Anchor my Heart: No one ever said this would be easy...

Found this note from about a year ago... So much has changed, and yet so much remains as if it were written yesterday.... and yes I still worry.

Mom's(still) Worry....

by Nikki Barajas Vineyard on Sunday, February 7, 2010 at 10:24pm

Parenting is tough. No one ever said it would be easy, or you would always know that what you were doing is the right thing. I feel challenged by it daily, more than anything it is my own insecurity about the decisions I am making that makes it such a challenge. My daughter is happy and healthy and smart beyond belief, she wants for nothing, is well loved and cared for. And I simply cannot enjoy these facts without criticizing the things I have done wrong.
That is my worst fault as a parent, and one that I hope to improve, though it is difficult.

I am sure these are thoughts that my mother, and all mothers have had at some time... am I doing the right thing? There never is a flashing sign or manual that can tell you what the right thing is, in the end you just do your best and hope that things turn out the way you would like them to....

I am certain I am not the first (nor the last) to feel judged by another person, to feel the glare of disapproval and the sting of condescension when they inform me about how they (or someone else they know) does things.

There is no doubt that I care about my daughter, or that I am doing the best I possibly can to raise her the way I think is best. I am a bit overprotective, this I know, and I hope to relax as time passes, I am terrified at the thought of just slinging her along like an accessory, or neglecting to realize that she has thoughts and feelings and wants just like I do, and that they are no less important than my own.
I hope I can find balance between attending to her every need despite myself, and neglecting her emotionally.

I think sometimes I feel guilty that I am her only parent a lot of the time. With my husband gone I am all she has for months on end, and I can't let her down, not for a day, or a moment. I feel a strong obligation to be both parents and not just be satisfied with the best I can do... it has to be more.