Anchor my Heart: Change-a-comin

Change, it can be difficult for everyone, and children are no exception. As evidenced by the copy of "Who moved my cheese" in the bathroom (which if you have never read... you should, and which they also carry an illustrated children's version of by the way) I too have difficulty coping with expected and unexpected changes in life. I feel one of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is forgetting that our children are not simply little adults, but they are people. Little people with a full range of emotions, without the complete capacity to always express those emotions or cope with things particularly well.

Arguably some children who are most farmiliar with change are those with a parent or parents in the military. Deployments, exercises, even an overnight duty can bring about a sense of anxiety and stress for children. This can manifest in ways we as adults may not percieve as ineffective coping mechanisms but rather defiance or manipulation (not that those are completely out of the question - greatly dependent on the age and developmental stage of the child).

Children may be more "clingy" and desire more attention and physical contact from you the parent, or a child who previously abandoned his blankey may begin toting it with him everywhere. This form of regression is normal, and expected. It is actually healthy for the child to have a mechanism (be it a blankey, song, movie) to cope with their feelings. (2005 Ceridian. Militaryonesource) I can speak from the experiences with my daughter that acknowledging her feelings "I know you miss daddy, I miss daddy too, but he will be home soon, lets make him a card to send him" and giving her tools to express those feelings helps tremendously to give her a sense of empowerment and control, which when everything in your world, or things which are particularly important are changing- the feeling of control can be vital.

Drawing pictures, talking about feelings to enhance your child's "emotional vocabulary" if you will encourages them to express how they are feeling in relation to the change as opposed to suppressing or denying how they are feeling only to later resent or "act out" as a means of expressing themselves. Talking about the change before hand and giving your child time to ask questions, process the change and begin the coping process can be most helpful in children old enough to understand the concept of time.

Specifically with my daughter, who has endured an equal number of deployments to years of age (3) I have attempted to help her as much as I can cope with the change of her daddy not being home everyday.

The first deployment Riley was 1 month old, therefore she was unable to even recognize or understand something was missing for a time. I made it a point to talk about daddy on a regular basis, I attached a few pictures of him to her mobile and on some of her other toys and books so she was familiar with his face. We had my husband record himself reading a story for her so she could hear his voice (in later deployments my husband made videos, both before his deployment and also during- which he would mail to us, it was truly a treat for us both to see his face, and hear his voice). As she got older and became more aware of some of the differences in her family and others (identifying daddy's, and being able to say my daddy is on a boat - since her father is in the NAVY, but not fully understand what that meant) we continued using audio, visual and reinforcement on a daily basis and began equipping her with some tools to express how she felt without her daddy home. Riley would sing and make videos for her father, she would draw pictures and send them to him, we would keep her daily pictures and reports from daycare and send them along with care packages to my husband. Giving a concrete date of return in risky, as a military spouse knows there are countless reasons that can delay their spouses return home, days, weeks or sometimes months. The dissappointment from "putting all your eggs in one basket" only to realize that what you have pinned your hopes on is not happening (yet) can be devestating. I try to avoid actual dates and in a more general sense talk about homecoming after Christmas for example, that gives the child a reference, and something to look forward to- something you can point out on a calender and say after this time daddy/mommy will be home.

Most importantly of all is support, for not only the child, but for the parent as well. Sometimes You are not alone is exactly what you and your child need to hear...

One day at a time....

Great references for information on coping with military life, deployments and children can be found @